Poetry from Shivani Gupta
Some days I am species transcendent
i too have strong desires to be an octopus
sentient slapper in the underbelly of the ocean
i am of the ocean, craving sea
salt me like an underbaked cookie -
i have no hard insides,
malleable to squeezing
i turn for you
i must warn you:
this is pungent, not scented
and it's the kind that persists
i am flooded and bloating
and still wanting for sea
see i used to be enough for myself
but then i tasted you
intermingled like dual-sauced dishes,
we meet in the middle
this mouth demands no palette cleanser
tangle with me in the sandy reef of ruins
i'll tie around you like unmatched rubber-bands
we'll send messages to lost seamen:
promises of topless mermaids;
in the ocean, aren't we all reaching for skin
for heartbeat, for thigh pulse
i come up for honeydew sunsets,
lighten the shapeshifter sky
matching speckled mermaid body;
whoever put shells on them got it wrong,
we don't do bras in the ocean
did you know my 8 tentacles come with suction cups
a bird beak to maintain the pecking order
they think I'm hiding in the crevices,
but what I really am, is waiting for you.
At a mixer for speed friendships, question six:
What would you say to invading aliens, to save humanity?
I half joke to my half friends - there isn’t much to save, just let them take me
Quarter friend 1: Music? 2: Food?? 3: Love???
I determine five minutes for 4 people isnʼt enough, and they’re not ready
I dream a secret prayer - let us be the last
The same day a continent away: my best friend begs my brother to have a child soon,
to witness the impact on our unsinking siblingship, before she decides
I hated barbies growing up, destructive monster trucks crush gentle dress up. I turn myself
into
a harmful stereotype to explain my lack of maternal instincts to my most maternal mother
In a parallel universe, a 30 year old me has given my parents a grandkid already
2 probably. Just like us: together-parents, my brother & me - a full family
Burning copper smells like resilience, gives me patience for the incessant joke-shaped nudges about the logical next step in a marriage
My mother doesnʼt see how childish sheʼs being
Old age - just another name for full grown babies
Maybe she sees this as a failure of her motherhood,
why doesn’t she see maternal instincts arenʼt genetic. If they were, Iʼd be abundant
I correct her often: not canʼt / not yet, wonʼt & never will be. She laughs
at the perceived permanence of my language, I laugh at the irony she refuses to see
My mother is my whole heart.
The one that knows the real me. What she doesnʼt seem to know is how most days my uterus feels more like an appendix: irrelevant appendage, waiting to rupture, waiting to not matter
They ask if i had a happy childhood but don’t believe me when i say yes
I wasn't born innocent, maybe for my own good
a grandmother of prosecuted people,
grandfather who ran away from home -
10 rupees & a single change of clothes
A sailor father that declared he was no saint
to my mother on their first date,
mother - never a boyfriend, a risk or
a self made boundary till she met him
Older brother that most think is younger
he asks me why i never lie to them
I tell him I was made of them
what's the point?
I was born despite every protection against it
and somehow still wanted when I arrived.
no copper T could stop me, you said:
I was competitive before I made my way through you
For a while I convinced myself I was somewhere between
unintentionally overlooked and habitually forgotten -
loved, fed, passed around at parties:
chubby cheeks & dimples on display
Good upbringing they say, but was i reallly happy?
Does any parent ever get it right? (no)
mine got it wrong, but they took the feedback.
in a flashback reel of my little life
I see the specificity of my sadnesses:
Grief over grandfather, chubby cheek insecurity,
sibling rivalry (I'm winning now so it's all good)
my adult self wants you to have wanted more for me;
but only because I had such generous permission to fail
To love beyond my means, take space unapologetically,
success metrics & likelihood-of be damned
study in a somewhere you hadn't even been to,
You made me deviant enough to dare to live.
You never let sadness mould me,
Never let it become anything more than specific:
dutifully scrubbed off periodically
With the widest safety net enveloping -
my now tethered body sits in a somewhere far from you
so accustomed to polluted skies of Mumbai
these clear-air allergies a rude awakening -
telling me maybe i don't belong?
But you told me I belong everywhere I walk.
that I was defiant from before i was born;
stay that way, you said
so even on days I reallly want to,
I guess I'm not coming home.
You can find two more poems from Shivani over on our Patreon, keep an eye on our socials for when Bonus Content is released this month. Substack users can find her right here!
